Not Ashamed
by yeonhii
Summary: This is a Starry one-shot. It takes place during the 22nd October 2015 episode, when Tony finds Ste & Harry kissing under the archway, a few days after they were outed at Hollyoaks Pride. It felt like some scenes were missing, so here's what I think could have happened in between!


Harry could feel the sun's warmth on his face, but today he uncharacteristically wished for the typical Chester gloom of cloudy, downcast skies. It was Sunday morning. Not even two days since the most mortifying moment of his entire life. He still couldn't believe an entire crowd of people had seen him…like that…with Ste. He cursed himself for even thinking about it. He wanted to crawl into a hole and die. But something—he didn't know what—kept pushing him forward, towards The Dog, where Diane had instructed him to drop off the drink menu for her and his dad's wedding.

Tony. Such a source of confusion. Harry never knew where he stood with his father, and still didn't know him well enough to predict or gauge his reactions. Sometimes he seemed like the most laid back, open-minded, understanding person he knew, always ready to listen, bursting with warmth and compassion. Other times though, he seemed to snap at a moment's notice, full of judgment, uncompromising and belligerent.

But yesterday, his father—the one person who he was most ashamed and embarrassed to see after everything that had happened—was the one who had comforted him, and made him feel like he might be able to get through the humiliation. Yes, he'd given one of his typical lectures that Harry had become accustomed to since moving back to Hollyoaks. But after they'd both cooled down, he couldn't believe how understanding and accepting his father had been about the fact that he'd been with another man.

Harry, on the other hand, could not accept it. Not publicly, anyway. He knew, deep down, that the way he felt about Ste, and the way he'd felt with other men, and that lad in boarding school…he knew it meant he must be gay. "Gay." What a word. It was a word he didn't feel any connection to, any ownership over, and one that only made him feel sick to his stomach. "Gay" people were ridiculed, pitied, and just…different from regular people. Weren't they? The idea that he'd become one of that group made him cringe. Why couldn't he just be Harry? He didn't want to lose himself. He didn't want people to look at him with judgment and disassociation behind their eyes.

Harry walked on through the village, feeling naked and exposed, but glad to be away from the awkward glances and tentative worried expressions he'd been dealing with at home from Tony and Diane. Since that horrific afternoon, he'd felt such pressure that he needed to justify or explain himself, but he was in no position to be able to do that. He couldn't even begin to explain to himself—let alone anyone else—what he was to Ste, or what Ste was to him. All he knew was that Ste was the first thing he thought of when he woke in the morning, and that he couldn't go to sleep until he'd got a text from him.

He smiled in spite of himself. Usually Ste would write, "I'll b dreamin of u," or "wish u were laid here next 2 me" or "c ur gorgeous ocean eyes tmrw". Ste just made him feel so special, and he got butterflies every time his phone beeped. No matter how many secret rendezvous they had in a day, it was never enough. It had only really been two weeks that they'd been secretly together, but they'd got so close and so intimate in that short time, it had started to become unbearable every night he couldn't make love to him and fall asleep with Ste's warm body next to his. He wasn't sure what this was…addiction? Infatuation? Happiness? It was like every day with Ste was better than the last, and now he couldn't imagine being without him.

The pangs of guilt and heartbreak came back to him in an instant as he remembered he'd finished with Ste and slammed the door in his face. Why was he such an idiot? Well, he reasoned, he'd acted in the heat of the moment, and the embarrassment was just too much to deal with. It hadn't even been two days, and he already missed Ste terribly. There was just too much going on, too much had happened, his head was completely done in.

Harry sensed a slight breeze and the scent of falling leaves as he rounded the corner towards The Dog. He'd been walking with his head down, so he heard their voices before he saw them: "Gay boy, gay boy!" and cruel laughter. The shame, embarrassment, humiliation and stress that had been lingering inside him like a dull pain suddenly shot up again in sparks and flame. He recognised one of the boys as a year eleven pupil from Hollyoaks High. He winced, put his head down, and headed toward The Dog at a faster pace, anxious to get out of the open. But who of all people was suddenly in his path? It was Ste.

He couldn't deal with any of this. He kept on, just trying to keep his head straight by focussing on the task at hand.

"You could at least say hello to me," he heard Ste say, and the pain in his voice made Harry stop. He knew he'd hurt Ste, but how could he not understand how utterly humiliating this all was?

"Look, do you see them? This is _exactly_ what I didn't want," Harry snapped.

"Who cares what they think!?" Ste responded.

God, Ste was so confident and self-assured. Harry was envious and enamoured at the same time. But Ste didn't get it. He didn't get what it was like to be in school and have the entire student body laughing at him. "You don't have to live with it!" Harry retorted.

"Yeah, I do. Every single day, actually. I just don't let it get to me."

Harry realised Ste was right. Ste always seemed so completely strong and sure of himself and his sexuality, but Ste was up against the world as well; he remembered the cruelty of Kyle and Aidan's words and attack outside The Flying Rainbow. He still hated himself for letting Ste get hurt like that.

Ste continued, "So, you and me: why are you so ashamed of it?"

How could Ste be so compassionate and yet so headstrong at the same time? It was extremely attractive, and Harry felt himself wanting to drift into Ste's arms despite the public setting. He wanted to let go of all the shame and embarrassment he was holding and both be like and be with Ste. He loved the way Ste looked at him; it was worth all the sideways glances and ignorant schoolboy jeers in the world. But he was so bloody scared.

Seeing that Harry didn't know how to respond and sensing his need for guidance, Ste lightly grabbed his arm. "Walk with me."

Harry panicked, and shook Ste's hand away. "Where?"

"Just a walk, innit?! No one's gonna have a go at ya for just walking next to me, are they?"

Harry glared at Ste, still very much uncomfortable being seen with him in public, but so grateful for the invitation, so in need of someone to talk to. Tony had been surprisingly understanding, but Harry only felt truly comfortable talking to Ste. Even Cleo would only understand so much. Harry remembered the drink list. "I've got to drop this off at The Dog."

"Right, well let's do that first then. Come on."

Before Harry could object, he found himself walking behind Ste, grateful to let someone else take the lead and make the decisions. They stepped inside the Dog and Jack was there, busy as ever, bringing in a fresh crate of glasses from the kitchen. Harry stood just behind Ste, not wanting to meet Jack's gaze. "Well, if it isn't the stars of Hollyoaks' first ever gay pride!" chimed Jack, in his jovial Glaswegian accent. "That was quite the show you two put on. Bet Tony didn't see that one coming, eh?" Jack wasn't censoring himself one bit today.

Harry could feel his legs start to shift, ready to back away and just forget this stupid errand altogether. Diane could sort the wedding plans herself. But Ste could sense Harry's unease and grabbed his wrist firmly before he could move an inch. "Yeah, and what about your Craig, eh?" Ste demanded. "Bet you didn't reckon on him destroying his engagement party by doing the dirty with John Paul right under your nose, didja?" He was in protective mode, ready to attack if necessary.

"Alright, alright," Jack replied, "point taken. No need to get your knickers in a twist. It was just a bit of a shock, that's all. It's a bit chilly to be going topless in October, don't you reckon?" Jack was just having a laugh, clearly oblivious to Harry's growing mortification. Harry would rather die than stay in the pub a second longer, but Ste still had hold of his wrist and was very clear he was not letting go. There was something grounding about having Ste hold him so firmly, like the world could collapse around them, but as long as he was anchored to Ste, he would be safe.

"Look Jack, do you want the drink list for Tony and Diane's vow renewal or not? I reckon they could take the reception to The Hutch instead, and get a better price on the lot, too."

"No need for that," Jack stammered, "give it here. I'll have it all sorted by this afternoon, you have my word."

"That's more like it," Ste responded, taking the list from Harry's free hand and passing it over the bar to Jack.

"I'm only having a bit of fun, Harry, you know that don't you?" Jack looked genuinely apologetic. "Our Craig has been with a lad or two and I couldn't be more proud of him. Takes a lot of courage to let other people see the real you: gay, straight or overworked like I am here all the time, ha ha." As Jack laughed at his own joke, Harry felt Ste loosening his grip on his wrist. He couldn't bring himself to look Jack in the eye, however, and he could feel Ste watching him, assessing his condition. Harry uncomfortably shifted his weight to his other foot, praying that Ste would save him from having to respond. Sure enough, he got the hint.

"Right, well wish we could help, but we've got to check on the bride and groom, han't we?" Ste released Harry's arm, and lightly pushed his upper back, leading him out of the pub. Harry couldn't be more grateful. "With you running this thing, they'll need to be ready for anything, I reckon," he continued over his shoulder.

"Oi!" Jack shouted. "It'll be the finest vow renewal since mine and Frankie's!"

"Setting the standards a bit low there, aren't we Jack?" Ste got the last word in, as they had now managed to exit the pub.

Harry felt a weight lift off his chest, and sighed deeply as they continued on by the pond. Thankfully, Harry noticed that the year eleven boys had left.

"Jack's harmless; you know that, don't ya? He was well supportive of ya. You coulda said summat to him."

Harry's panic shot back up inside him. "I can't do this. Look, I've gotta go."

Ste put his hand on Harry's upper arm before he could walk away. "Look, I'm sorry, alright? I didn't mean to push ya."

Ste was holding onto both of Harry's shoulders now and leant down just slightly to be at Harry's height. Harry felt Ste's eyes looking deeply at him. "God, I love him," Harry thought. Despite his embarrassment, he lifted his eyes off the ground and met Ste's gaze. Ste was looking at him with such care, such concern, and in that moment Harry wanted to tell Ste everything, every last detail about how humiliated and alone he felt, how sorry he was for lashing out, how much he missed him, how much he needed him and needed his help.

The moment passed quickly however, and Harry was again acutely aware of his public surroundings. He shook Ste's hands away and scoured the area for any prying eyes.

Ste quickly took action. "Now, come on, you promised me a walk, didn't ya?" And quick as lightening, he was guiding Harry over the bridge and back into the village.

Harry instantly felt better just for moving. "Oh, I did, did I? 'Cos I don't remember promising you anything!" How was this happening? In an instant, Harry was already feeling the most comfortable he had since before….it…happened.

"Well that's all just semantics, innit?" Ste replied with a grin.

"Semantics? I only just learned that word in English this year. Since when do you use big words like that?" Harry was genuinely surprised.

"Since I've been reading all weekend, since _you_ don't return any of me phone calls! Had to look it up on me phone and all."

Harry smiled. Ste was funny even when he wasn't trying. In fact, he was probably most funny, Harry thought, when he was just telling it like it is. That was one of the things he loved best about Ste; he just said what he thought, no reservations, nothing holding him back. When Ste had an opinion, he wasn't afraid to share it. "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't. I didn't know what to say," Harry tried to explain.

"Well I'm just glad you're talking to me now. For a while there, I reckoned you weren't gonna ever speak to me again!"

Harry felt guilty again as he remembered the force with which he'd slammed the door in Ste's face.

Ste noticed Harry's silence however, and continued. "What happened to us, Harry, it was a nightmare. I know it was. And I know you weren't ready to come out yet."

Harry felt a knot tighten inside his stomach as he walked. Why was it always so black and white? Why did he have to "come out"? He hated everyone else thinking they knew him better than he knew himself. He was a full person, not just some label that people wanted to attach to him then be tossed in a bin with all the others. He knew Ste was only trying to help, but he didn't want to talk about this. He was embarrassed enough as it was. He felt a rising frustration growing. "Look, can we just—I should get back. Dad will be expecting me."

They were in the middle of the village now, just passing The Hutch, and acting out of fear and avoidance, Harry veered off Ste's path. Harry had stepped a few feet away, when Ste quickly caught up and touched his lower arm. "Wait," Ste said. The care in his voice stopped Harry in his tracks. All the frustration disappeared in a heartbeat, and Harry wanted nothing more than to tell Ste how sorry he was, how much he'd missed him and how much he wanted to be with him. But he lifted his arm away from Ste, feeling uncomfortable about the public contact. Ste's voice was earnest. "Just let me finish, yeah?"

Harry looked up at Ste to see his pleading, caring eyes. How did this man keep putting up with him? He didn't deserve it. He felt a rush of love and for a second, a little bit dizzy. Ste motioned toward the village archway and started walking, his wind jacket making light swooshing noises as he sauntered in his typical Ste fashion. Harry smiled watching him walk and followed, suddenly feeling elated, like he'd just won first prize in a competition. It seemed no matter how many times Harry did or said the wrong thing, Ste understood. Ste would fight for him. Ste would stick by him. Ste cared about him.

"Look, we don't have to talk about it, ok?" Ste was gentle as they stepped under the archway. Suddenly it felt like they'd entered a quiet room; the air was still, the sound of the wind and the trees muffled, the atmosphere close. The rest of the world felt far away, and Ste's presence more pronounced. Harry felt the enclosure of the space—like they were alone together—and he wanted to touch Ste more than anything.

Harry felt Ste's hand on his shoulder, as Ste guided him to the side, next to the wall. Ste always knew just what to do to make him feel comfortable. How did he always know? He could feel the brick against his back now as Ste spoke close and quiet. "You don't have to figure it all out straight away, ya know?" Ste was so close to him now; Harry felt a bit weak and couldn't help but stare at Ste's lips as he spoke. "It doesn't matter."

He was starting to get lost in Ste's words; his body was so close, he could feel Ste's breath on his skin and he could smell Ste's familiar scent that always turned him on. He couldn't think clearly; the world was starting to fade away around them. "But you finished with me," Ste said gently, and as Harry stared into Ste's blue eyes, he felt Ste's hand fumbling for his, the touch sending sparks through his body. "Is that what you really want?"

Harry wanted Ste—nothing and no one else. His heart was pounding in his chest, his breathing rate escalating, and Harry found that without even thinking, his hand was on Ste's ribs, pulling Ste toward him. Ste let himself get pulled, stepping so close now that their feet were flush against the wall. Harry felt Ste's legs against his own, and Ste's face was so close to his now, his voice was almost a whisper. "'Cos I can't stop thinking about you."

Harry didn't even need an instant to respond. "I can't stop thinking about you, either." And Ste's lips were on his, kissing him deeply but softly at the same time, and Harry felt himself melt into the familiar but intoxicating feeling. He kissed Ste back, having to lift his head just a little, his hands on Ste's sides feeling his body heat. He felt Ste's hands on his neck now, enveloped in his warmth, and Harry's body responded and moved with Ste's. With so many sensations rushing through him at once, the only thing he could think as Ste held him and kissed him was that nothing had ever felt more right.


End file.
